Unlawful to vote for "non-practicing" Muslims in... →
Egypt welcomes new “interpretation” of democracy?
Not Permissible to Look at the opposite gender on... →
It is not permissible, because in most cases, the women who appear on television are unveiled and display parts of their ‘Awrah (parts of the body which must remain covered from public gaze) and the men are handsome models of fashionable adornment and this incites temptation (Fitnah) and corruption in most cases. Fatawa Islamiyah, Darussalam, volume 5, page 106 Finally, an explanation for...
Forbidden to enroll children in schools run by... →
Illiteracy rates on the rise. Literalist-Exclusivist Muslims set record for most uneducated.
Being a man in Saudi allows you to get a way with... →
A Saudi “celebrity” preacher rapes, burns, and murders his 5-year-old daughter and is released from jail after agreeing to pay “blood money?” (its half the amount he would’ve paid if his child was a boy) Meanwhile, a Sri Lankan teenage girl is beheaded because the baby she was caring for accidentally choked to death? WTF? Does Wahhabism win the award for the most...
Burkas for Babies →
If babies are getting sexually exploited, why is the solution to put a baby in a burka and not the exploiters in straitjackets? Does this cleric think a burka is a force field of protection from harm? Is that why Batman wears an upside down burka? In related news, a correlation is found between increased sales of “Baby’s First Burka” and alarming increase of...
Yoga haraam because of "pagan origins" →
Does that mean we all are haraam and tainted? Because if you trace our ancestry, I am sure we all had pagan origins at some juncture in history. Why would God make me haraam? How do muftis keep their groin muscles supple?
Woman don't need internet guardian →
“What if i get lost on the interwebs? how will they find me? I need a guardian” -No Saudi Woman We can’t empower woman because if they get too smart, they might take away the Men’s jobs! And let’s be real, 1000s of years of patriarchy can’t be wrong, can it?
Website banned because of bare arms →
But sites of people literally baring arms is totally halaal. People with bear arms still considered an abomination. Former US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart apparently inspired the jurisprudence system in Libya.
50 Lashes for Swearing in Text Message →
50 lashes for swearing in a text? I wonder what the penalty is for texting and driving…oh wait, women aren’t allowed to drive. 50 lashes? Because violence is always the solution to…anything.
Sex with dead wife permissible →
Oh man, we were waiting on this ruling for a while; a definite victory for Team Zombie. Note: it is still haraam to have sex with ghosts and Hologram Tupac.
Breaking Traffic Rules is Haraam →
In an ironic turn of events, Dubai’s grand mufti who issued this fatwa was pulled over for running a red light on his way to the mosque. Quasi-Rapper Lil B also cautioned at a recent NYU Lecture, “real talk, everybody make sure you wear seat belts, for real.”
Female Masturbation with Vegetables Allowed! →
Brings new meaning to the phrase “tossed salad.” Let the Fatwa Wars begin!
Lady Gaga haraam because she can destroy nation's... →
Indonesian morality so fragile, UN vows to supply ethical epoxy to prevent moral erosion following Lady Gaga concert. In related affairs: Her song “Poker Face” also seen as haraam because it promotes gambling. Thanks Holy-Crackers!
Saudi Writer Hamza Kashgari Detained in Malaysia... →
Yes, because executing this man for his interesting thoughts about prophecy is the only solution. Wait, isn’t twitter bid’ah? And, why are these clerics trolling twitter? In related news, Saudi clerics calling for the execution of Hamza Kashgari have been detained for their alleged use of the internet, a product of evil Western imperialism.
Barbies and the Simpsons banned in Iran →
In an interesting twist, Simpsons creator Matt Groening claimed Mahmoud Ahmedinejad would be an appropriate stand-in for Homer Simpson.
Women should not study the sciences because these... →
Surprisingly enough, home-making, house wife, and sex slave were not included as professions suited for women. In related news, Nobel Foundation under attack for awarding prizes to women for achievements in science: Physics: 1903 Marie Sklodowska Curie 1963 Maria Goeppert Mayer Chemistry: 1911 Marie Sklodowska Curie 1935 Irene Joliot-Curie 1964 Dorothy Crowfoot Hodgkin 2009 Ada E. Yonath ...
Taking pictures or video is not allowed →
“It is not allowed to take pictures of beings that have souls, a rule encompasses cameras and other instruments, with the exception of pictures that are necessary, such as a passport or identity photo. There is no ruling for television itself, but rather for how it is used. If it used for what is unlawful - such as for music, for lies, for disbelief, or for licentiousness - then it is...
Nike products are haraam →
Adidas sees sudden rise in sales among Muslim athletes. Slogan “Just do it” is officially endorsed by the Israeli Defense Force. —- Thank you frowzyteenager for the submission!
Salafis call for separating men and women in... →
Just in case corpses suddenly decide to have sex. Someone should tell them that Thriller didn’t happen in real life.
Emoticon use impermissible →
Emoticons are of the >:- |~ (alternate)
Cleric claims nudity during sex invalidates... →
Apparently, nudity during shower invalidates cleanliness, and nude birth invalidates life.
Clerics Advocate Adult Breast-Feeding →
I guess this is what happens when a cleric has a dry spell. In related news, porn industry begins to market new fetish.
Cleric bans women from touching bananas, cucumbers... →
Finally, a voice of reason! Hopefully, they will go a step further and ban men from consuming these foods out of fear that they may become gay. Both sexes should probably avoid looking at minarets, skyscrapers, using pencils/pens, unopened umbrellas, oblong jars, and even passion fruit (for living up to its namesake). UPDATE
Saudis fear there will be ‘no more virgins’ and... →
In an interesting turn of events, exponential rise in homosexuality among men leads to an increase in virgin women.
Saudi woman executed for 'witchcraft and sorcery' →
Saudi muggles rejoice, Hogwarts mourns another.